| Profilo di JennaOne Penguin WalkinFotoBlogElenchi |  Strumenti  Guida |
|
30 aprile Rainbow SherbertHello!
Today I was thinking about 'flavors of the week'. No, no, not in the spring fling sense (though a temporary fling can be a part of it). I was thinking about how every week, and sometimes biweekly, life seems to have a certain flavor. Sometimes it's a little bitter-- for me that was one week ago when a coworker was (in my opinion) disrepectfully not taking my "NO THANK YOU" seriously. I think that can be really offense at some point. I understand that if you think someone is worth pursuing, there is some merit to persistance-- really going after an opportunity before it passes you up. But when stupid boys don't have the respect for someone's wishes to understand the 7th "no" to mean "please stop", I think they should be punched in the face. I haven't blackened any eyes or broken any noses, but times like these make me wish I had a big brother... or a beautiful male friend to pose as an intimidating male suitor. (Applicants need apply ;o)
But other times, the flavor is much sweeter. I love those times. Yeah, there is a list of things to do that is longer than the hours in the day, but whether I'm by myself or with people, I feel happy and grateful and excited about things in my life. But life can't be rainbow sherbert all the time. If someone tells me that is how their life is, I feel like they're on some kind of upper or very good at denial. Still, I think there is valuable in experiencing the brighter flavors even when they're gone. I feel like if I can remember the sweeter times well, I'll be able to find them again when the time is right.
I was feeling that way last night, just enoying talking with a friend and other acquaintances. A brand new stranger told me that I look 'sweet and innocent' (he's gay, so it wasn't a silly pick up line) and though it was a kind thing to say, I just thought it was funny. People tell me that I am 'sweet' somewhat often-- the 2nd most frequent adjective people call me. But I don't feel like that is more prevalent in me more than anybody else I know, so every time it's a little strange to hear. Could that be the what I project unknowingly? Perhaps. I really don't know. Just something I'll wonder a bit about... 24 aprile aw shucksI was neck deep in frustration this weekend, but I when I logged on, I was blown away by the incredibly gracious comments you guys left me. You guys literally turned my night around. Thank you. Seriously. You guys are the best. You give me hope.
I've always been tagged as the 'quiet one'. It was a lot more extreme when I was a kid, but now, it's just a part of my personality in a way that probably isn't going to be outgrown like last year's sweater. I guess I feel like I need to mean what I say. (Though I often don't say what I mean.) The odd thing is that I've often been drawn to people who are the charismatic, center of attention, life of the party people. Several of my best friends growing up have fit that description...which makes me the somewhat of the typical 'quiet sidekick'. I don't see it as a bad thing anymore. But there have been times that I wish I had that kind of charisma. You know, the kind of person who just has this gift for telling a story. The type of person who doesn't fight for attention, but their way of articulating their experiences and perspectives is just so compelling you can feel the attention of the people around them shifting when they speak. I have moments when I can catch a glimpse of this dynamic, if I whip out a witty line at the right time or something, but it's not my social identity by any means.
And I've always thought it would be incredible to be able to express things in a way that would affect people. I love being able to read things written from a someone's perspective and feel like I've been affected in a way that changes how I think about things I experience. So it makes me really stoked to hear that some people are enjoying the things I write. It gives me hope that, someday, I might be able to become the kind of writer that I long to be.
Just recently I've been realizing that I don't like to be the center of attention. (And thus begins some of the silly frustration with annoying science nerds who don't get the 'i'm not interested' signals.) So maybe I was never meant to be the 'life of the party'. I think that suits me just fine. I just hope that there are people, like myself, who also find it more interesting and captivating to find someone who doesn't do a song and dance to get people's attention. Instead, they just say what's honest and real and in the end it's their sincerity that steals the show.
17 aprile My groundhog says it's fallI'm a terrible blogger. I can't believe it's been this long. The thing is, I think I've been finding it harder and harder to make this blog a part of my life. I wish it was easier because I love writing and hearing what people think and reading about y'alls lives. It seems that the only time I'm able to log on is around midnight and it's really hard to make sense of my thoughts. I don't really know why, but I've been feeling more and more comfortable with just being by myself in a lot of ways. I don't feel this 'young person' pressure to go out every weekend and to be in constant contact with my friends. Not to give anyone the impression that I've been hiding out in a cave, more like splitting my time between the cave and the world. It's a weird thing for me. I used to love being around people all the time-- my friends were the brightest spots in my day. I think a part of it is just the end of a certain time in my life and part of it is a growth in myself as an individual. The only thing that scares me, is looking at my peers in the academic world and how far they have drifted... losing the ability to charm people, share warmth and friendship and everything wonderful that comes from that kind of openess.
What was the point of that long winded ramble? I really dont' know. Sometimes I wish I had this little list of things that I could count on-- then the big uncertainties in life would be peripheral issues. There was a time when I thought that I could navigate myself, my life, and the world by centering things around my beliefs... things that I thought to be eternally true. It's baffling to me how humanistic my perspective is now.
I think that our lives are lived in seasons that are to a very large extent, out of our control. The same way the groundhog (or perhaps global warming or something like that) tells us when spring will arrive...at least from my perspective, no matter how much I fight it or push for something different, my life insists on trudging through the season at hand. The past few weeks I felt very strongly that I'm in a different season. And even though the last one was not free of stress by any means, I realize now how much I was carried through by happiness. That jolting energy is hard to muster up-- I think sometimes it just has to come in time. I don't want to categorize days as depressed or happy, it seems too quick of a judgement for me.
I feel like the leaves are falling.... I can feel that I give off a different energy with people now...and I know it's a little bit colder. It sounds terrible, perhaps mean, but it's real. It's me--for now. The one thing I've never been able to do, is bullshit people with a fake saccrine-gum drop persona. I hope that honesty is still a virtue...
I hope yall are doing great. I'm sorry I haven't been a better presence in the space community. Much love! |
|
|
