I've been thinking a lot about ambitions. I guess I've always been in situations where I thought I was working towards something-- college, grad school, a 'real' job... And I wonder if it ever ends. At times I think I may never accomplish the ambitions I thought were so important. It also disturbs me a little to think that they change quite a bit. I have friends who will act like they have a real plan to pursue a phd or to move to another country and I know that they are probably going to talk about a completely different plan within the next few months before even putting forth a real effort into the first one. That kind of thing is fine I suppose, but I find it a bit unvirtuous. But then I look at my own discarded plans, which I sacrificed and worked at, only to lay to rest a couple of years later. Maybe the slackers are better off at times.

 

I think people also put ambition into finding the 'one'. It can really feel like a similar rush. But once we decide to pick, either  a career or a spouse, do we just think of some new ambition to take its place? Is it human nature to need to feel like we are traveling towards something better? Probably. I'm not sure how true that line of thinking is to reality. But I think we kind of need such a mentality to get by at times.

 

The gravestones of my failed or edited plans make me wonder about my next direction. I feel like I'm not the kind of person who can do the same thing over and over again and live with myself. I have this annoying conviction that I have to become better. At the moment I think the real question is whether I have the potential to make my ambitions a reality. I would love to believe the answer is yes, follow your dreams, and all of the movie week messages are true. Those things open our minds and make things possible. But once in a while I really wonder what the heck I was meant to become-- in every respect. Maybe being a grown up and feeling stuck in a place is easier than people think. Perhaps it gives people a sense of belonging and a destination to the winding road of ambition.

Today I was sitting by a window in starbucks half listening to the baristas sputter excuses for why this morning their store was chaotic and slow. Without looking up from my pages of calculations trying to translate coordinates into a cylinder I got the impression that this barista was kind of clumsy with words, a little bit ditsy, and a bad listener. Seems like a lot to assume about a person, I realize, but I think most people would get the same impression too. She spilled out these lines, trying to appease the customers and explain herself, and it was just so obvious that her mind wasn't really listening. The way someone talks when they never expect you to have anything to say. Simply rambling on in their own monologue.

 

I started to think about how I hope my friends see me in a positive light. I hope they see good things in me, that I can be an important person in their minds, since they're important to me. But I don't think of myself as a person who really stands out--I'm just... me. Yet I often hope that people see me as more than that. How contradictory am I? I silently hope that people buy into some perception that isn't reality. But don't we all do that? Is that the reason why people are on their 'best behavior', to give a good impression? Do we let our guard down once we realize they know us too well? Once the gig is up?

 

But I wonder if we really have 3 identities; the person we are, the person we want others to think we are, and the person others see. I wonder how rarely people really see who we are. And I wonder if it even matters. I think about my good friends and the first things that come to mind are these wonderful qualities. My friend Brian is so observant and insightful about people. And Ron is so humble that he's completely unaware of how many people admire his talents. My friend Katie makes the room brighter as soon as she walks in it. The thing is, I know that they all have faults, and I've seen hints of negativity before, but I know it's not the heart of them. I'm sure they too worry from time to time about what people think. Who doesn't? I guess we can't control what people see and how we come across sometimes. But perhaps if we feed our attention to the important stuff, the heart of people, they'll see us for the things that matter.