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September 18 the last kissI just got back from the movie "The Last Kiss". It was really interesting. Definitely not a movie for people who want a cheesy story you've seen a million times, but very good for those of you who like something a bit different. Has this realistic, harsh feel. One thing that struck me was positive though. The idea that (in many things) failure is defined by when you give up. And how it's kind of impossible to "go back to the way things were" as many put it. I wonder about that statement...It seems likely to be better as a memory than in real life. It seems like people have to move forward, because that's how time works. And each day we change...even if it's just a little.
I memorized this monologue this summer for a project I was working on. It was a narration for something, but I made it into a monologue because I liked it so much. Check it out:
The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that; probably Shakespeare or maybe Sting. But at the moment, that sentence best explains my tragic flaw--my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible. Standing still just feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. So you maintain the status quo, choose the road already traveled, and it doesn't seem that bad as far as flaws go. You aren't a drug addict, you aren't killing anyone...except maybe yourself a little.
When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden you're another person. But you notice. Inside of you, that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope that it is. That this is the person you get to be forever. That you'll never have to change again... August 09 determined by?When I was younger I wanted to be the best at something. I wanted to be able to pick one thing and devote all of my energies to it so that I could just know that it was my strength-- my forte. I never found it. Nowadays, I just hang onto the hope that if you want something badly enough, there is an opportunity to grow. But I still often wonder how people are supposed to gauge potential. I heard a friend of mine, who happens to be quite talented, say something about people pursuing dance who will 'never go anywhere'. And something about that stuck with me. It sounds like such a death sentence to think that there is no chance that they could succeed and even worse that they're trying to. I almost wish she wasn't a person whose opinion I respected, so I could brush off those words as ignorance.
So when you're following your dreams, shooting for the stars, and all of those rosy cliches' they teach you in elementary school, what are you supposed to do with reality? Do we listen to people who are experts to tell us whether we have what it takes? Do we just go for it anyways? And where is the damn potential meter that definitively measures what you've got? I wish I knew.
It seems to me that people run on confidence fuel. Perhaps the compliment from a friend will get you through the rest of the day, and the encouragement from an expert will propel you next week. But something has to come from inside. I know what it's like to feel that the compliments are false, and in that case they might as well not exist. That belief, that drive, where does it come from? I think a lot of it might just be determination. And perhaps also a lot of conviction-- something they just do without a second thought. But do those things mean you have what it takes? Maybe not. But I guess they do mean you'll give it a try. August 07 the gravity of matterWhen I write things on here, I always wonder if it'll come off sounding sad, happy, or inquisitive. Those are probably the three most common tones in my writings, I suppose. But I'm always a little bit afraid to sound 'too sad'. In the past few years, I've learned that a lot of people don't know how to react to sadness. Not really. For some, their problems lie deep in negativity and it seems easier to climb the statue of liberty blindfolded than to affect their mood. From people like that I tend to flee. It seems like a lose lose situation. But others, and I hope that it usually includes me, just need perspective. And look to friends, having confidence that they have wisdom and experiences that can help when you've been kicked to the curb. Sometimes it's hard to look at things differently, but that kind of help can mean a lot.
I think such things can be difficult to distinguish in a blog. Things that are so strikingly clear in person can be nebulous to recognize in the typed words of this place. So I fear at times that my tone will somehow become how I represent myself. And though I realize it doesn't matter, it's just a silly blog, it matters to me. And that just might be the heart of both happiness and sadness. July 07 DestinationsI've been thinking a lot about ambitions. I guess I've always been in situations where I thought I was working towards something-- college, grad school, a 'real' job... And I wonder if it ever ends. At times I think I may never accomplish the ambitions I thought were so important. It also disturbs me a little to think that they change quite a bit. I have friends who will act like they have a real plan to pursue a phd or to move to another country and I know that they are probably going to talk about a completely different plan within the next few months before even putting forth a real effort into the first one. That kind of thing is fine I suppose, but I find it a bit unvirtuous. But then I look at my own discarded plans, which I sacrificed and worked at, only to lay to rest a couple of years later. Maybe the slackers are better off at times.
I think people also put ambition into finding the 'one'. It can really feel like a similar rush. But once we decide to pick, either a career or a spouse, do we just think of some new ambition to take its place? Is it human nature to need to feel like we are traveling towards something better? Probably. I'm not sure how true that line of thinking is to reality. But I think we kind of need such a mentality to get by at times.
The gravestones of my failed or edited plans make me wonder about my next direction. I feel like I'm not the kind of person who can do the same thing over and over again and live with myself. I have this annoying conviction that I have to become better. At the moment I think the real question is whether I have the potential to make my ambitions a reality. I would love to believe the answer is yes, follow your dreams, and all of the movie week messages are true. Those things open our minds and make things possible. But once in a while I really wonder what the heck I was meant to become-- in every respect. Maybe being a grown up and feeling stuck in a place is easier than people think. Perhaps it gives people a sense of belonging and a destination to the winding road of ambition. July 04 do you see what i see?Today I was sitting by a window in starbucks half listening to the baristas sputter excuses for why this morning their store was chaotic and slow. Without looking up from my pages of calculations trying to translate coordinates into a cylinder I got the impression that this barista was kind of clumsy with words, a little bit ditsy, and a bad listener. Seems like a lot to assume about a person, I realize, but I think most people would get the same impression too. She spilled out these lines, trying to appease the customers and explain herself, and it was just so obvious that her mind wasn't really listening. The way someone talks when they never expect you to have anything to say. Simply rambling on in their own monologue.
I started to think about how I hope my friends see me in a positive light. I hope they see good things in me, that I can be an important person in their minds, since they're important to me. But I don't think of myself as a person who really stands out--I'm just... me. Yet I often hope that people see me as more than that. How contradictory am I? I silently hope that people buy into some perception that isn't reality. But don't we all do that? Is that the reason why people are on their 'best behavior', to give a good impression? Do we let our guard down once we realize they know us too well? Once the gig is up?
But I wonder if we really have 3 identities; the person we are, the person we want others to think we are, and the person others see. I wonder how rarely people really see who we are. And I wonder if it even matters. I think about my good friends and the first things that come to mind are these wonderful qualities. My friend Brian is so observant and insightful about people. And Ron is so humble that he's completely unaware of how many people admire his talents. My friend Katie makes the room brighter as soon as she walks in it. The thing is, I know that they all have faults, and I've seen hints of negativity before, but I know it's not the heart of them. I'm sure they too worry from time to time about what people think. Who doesn't? I guess we can't control what people see and how we come across sometimes. But perhaps if we feed our attention to the important stuff, the heart of people, they'll see us for the things that matter. June 19 fall into a spring, spring into a fallMy friend believes that people often experience certain themes during seasons of the year. He says summer can be a very challenging time for people, fall is often a time of adjusting to new things, (winter I can't recall what he thought). But I remember spring was something having to do with new experiences and refreshing/flourishing. I rarely look to horoscopes or any predictative type of things, but I've noticed a similar pattern in my life. Last spring was the first time in a very long time that I met someone who I really felt that 'incredibly great friend' connection with as well as the physical attraction. It didn't develop into the love of my life, but it was a fresh experience that stretched my expectations. I started to believe that I COULD hope for an amazing match for me--possibility. The year before was something similar on a smaller scale. This year there are no great guys asking me out on dates. But its really okay. I'm not fretting over that,
but at times it's unnerving to only get asked out by terribly unattractive guys. (Another post for another day hehe...) You know how little kids will look up to older people with a sense of awe-- looking at them with that wonder in their eyes? I think it has to do with hope. As a kid if I found someone who I thought was incredibly 'cool' or talented or amazing in some right, somewhere inside I wanted to believe that I could be like them someday. And if I could get close enough to understand what made them special, maybe I could find it too. Nowadays, I think my criteria for that kind of admiration is quite different. But once in a rare while I find someone whose talents and heart I deeply admire. I have someone like that now and much to my surprise, it's been turning into a friendship that I never would have imagined I could have. At times it's like having a drink with a favorite author or sitting next to the lead singer of a band you could only dream of meeting. To admire someone from afar and then to experience a friendship with them is oddly surreal thing. But it pushes me to believe that pie in the sky dreams can come true, as cheesy disney movie message as that sounds.
For the past few years, I've experienced a mindset stretching experience each spring. That may just be coincidence. But the impact is the same. These kinds of experiences are amazing and bring such vividness to my ability to dream, but they also come with fears. What if I aim high and fall harder than I bargain for? What if I my faults outshine whatever good qualities I have? My high hopes come with high standards for myself. I don't know how to get around that. I think that's why I'm kicking myself a little for saying things today that reveal pieces of the 'faulty' side of me. The side that I try to keep to myself, secretly hoping it'll go away with time-- like one of the seasons, it'll just pass. But it seems that faults have a way of coming back to the forefront in time...and the fall is back again before we can even see it coming. June 05 15 minutesI only have 15 minutes to jot down a few things so I'll try to be ultra succint. I think habits are increasingly difficult to change. I used to get irritated when I was little, about 8 or 9, and my mom told me that people don't really change their habits despite all of her hope that bit by bit, they could. I thought that was a pecissmistic cop out, but I guess there is truth to the difficulty of changing one's habits. I know that my habit of getting overwhelmed for reasonable amounts of time (usually 2 weeks of overscheduling, overtime, and finals) that lead to eliminating everything resembling personal time (e.g. this blog) lead to about an additional month of neglect of those things after the storm has subsided. That is the mundane truth behind why it's so hard for me to maintain momentum with this blog. And for that, I'm truly sorry when I do get my chance to login and I see the inspiring comments people take the time to write. I love being able to write and being able to hear other people's ideas and responses. Something inside of me says that it's a piece of something so worthwhile and fundamental to our impact on each other-- to communicate. So bit by bit, I hope to change my habit of neglect despite many many failures to do so.
Chris: Somedays I think I could post some pictures, but the whole nature of the online world being able to view me as a photo and not an acquaintance kind of freaks me out. I think a part of me still subscribes to the belief that I've encountered growing up that many people will automatically find you ugly if you are not white. Pathetic, I know. Yet still a part of my semiconscious.
David: I totally understand your move to the private blogging for a while. The only thing is I used my work email for my msn login, which is a bad move, because I found out later that I can't let anyone outside of work obtain it or I could get in trouble. Will I leak that out if I request access?
I'm running out the door... to be continued! April 30 Rainbow SherbertHello!
Today I was thinking about 'flavors of the week'. No, no, not in the spring fling sense (though a temporary fling can be a part of it). I was thinking about how every week, and sometimes biweekly, life seems to have a certain flavor. Sometimes it's a little bitter-- for me that was one week ago when a coworker was (in my opinion) disrepectfully not taking my "NO THANK YOU" seriously. I think that can be really offense at some point. I understand that if you think someone is worth pursuing, there is some merit to persistance-- really going after an opportunity before it passes you up. But when stupid boys don't have the respect for someone's wishes to understand the 7th "no" to mean "please stop", I think they should be punched in the face. I haven't blackened any eyes or broken any noses, but times like these make me wish I had a big brother... or a beautiful male friend to pose as an intimidating male suitor. (Applicants need apply ;o)
But other times, the flavor is much sweeter. I love those times. Yeah, there is a list of things to do that is longer than the hours in the day, but whether I'm by myself or with people, I feel happy and grateful and excited about things in my life. But life can't be rainbow sherbert all the time. If someone tells me that is how their life is, I feel like they're on some kind of upper or very good at denial. Still, I think there is valuable in experiencing the brighter flavors even when they're gone. I feel like if I can remember the sweeter times well, I'll be able to find them again when the time is right.
I was feeling that way last night, just enoying talking with a friend and other acquaintances. A brand new stranger told me that I look 'sweet and innocent' (he's gay, so it wasn't a silly pick up line) and though it was a kind thing to say, I just thought it was funny. People tell me that I am 'sweet' somewhat often-- the 2nd most frequent adjective people call me. But I don't feel like that is more prevalent in me more than anybody else I know, so every time it's a little strange to hear. Could that be the what I project unknowingly? Perhaps. I really don't know. Just something I'll wonder a bit about... April 24 aw shucksI was neck deep in frustration this weekend, but I when I logged on, I was blown away by the incredibly gracious comments you guys left me. You guys literally turned my night around. Thank you. Seriously. You guys are the best. You give me hope.
I've always been tagged as the 'quiet one'. It was a lot more extreme when I was a kid, but now, it's just a part of my personality in a way that probably isn't going to be outgrown like last year's sweater. I guess I feel like I need to mean what I say. (Though I often don't say what I mean.) The odd thing is that I've often been drawn to people who are the charismatic, center of attention, life of the party people. Several of my best friends growing up have fit that description...which makes me the somewhat of the typical 'quiet sidekick'. I don't see it as a bad thing anymore. But there have been times that I wish I had that kind of charisma. You know, the kind of person who just has this gift for telling a story. The type of person who doesn't fight for attention, but their way of articulating their experiences and perspectives is just so compelling you can feel the attention of the people around them shifting when they speak. I have moments when I can catch a glimpse of this dynamic, if I whip out a witty line at the right time or something, but it's not my social identity by any means.
And I've always thought it would be incredible to be able to express things in a way that would affect people. I love being able to read things written from a someone's perspective and feel like I've been affected in a way that changes how I think about things I experience. So it makes me really stoked to hear that some people are enjoying the things I write. It gives me hope that, someday, I might be able to become the kind of writer that I long to be.
Just recently I've been realizing that I don't like to be the center of attention. (And thus begins some of the silly frustration with annoying science nerds who don't get the 'i'm not interested' signals.) So maybe I was never meant to be the 'life of the party'. I think that suits me just fine. I just hope that there are people, like myself, who also find it more interesting and captivating to find someone who doesn't do a song and dance to get people's attention. Instead, they just say what's honest and real and in the end it's their sincerity that steals the show.
April 17 My groundhog says it's fallI'm a terrible blogger. I can't believe it's been this long. The thing is, I think I've been finding it harder and harder to make this blog a part of my life. I wish it was easier because I love writing and hearing what people think and reading about y'alls lives. It seems that the only time I'm able to log on is around midnight and it's really hard to make sense of my thoughts. I don't really know why, but I've been feeling more and more comfortable with just being by myself in a lot of ways. I don't feel this 'young person' pressure to go out every weekend and to be in constant contact with my friends. Not to give anyone the impression that I've been hiding out in a cave, more like splitting my time between the cave and the world. It's a weird thing for me. I used to love being around people all the time-- my friends were the brightest spots in my day. I think a part of it is just the end of a certain time in my life and part of it is a growth in myself as an individual. The only thing that scares me, is looking at my peers in the academic world and how far they have drifted... losing the ability to charm people, share warmth and friendship and everything wonderful that comes from that kind of openess.
What was the point of that long winded ramble? I really dont' know. Sometimes I wish I had this little list of things that I could count on-- then the big uncertainties in life would be peripheral issues. There was a time when I thought that I could navigate myself, my life, and the world by centering things around my beliefs... things that I thought to be eternally true. It's baffling to me how humanistic my perspective is now.
I think that our lives are lived in seasons that are to a very large extent, out of our control. The same way the groundhog (or perhaps global warming or something like that) tells us when spring will arrive...at least from my perspective, no matter how much I fight it or push for something different, my life insists on trudging through the season at hand. The past few weeks I felt very strongly that I'm in a different season. And even though the last one was not free of stress by any means, I realize now how much I was carried through by happiness. That jolting energy is hard to muster up-- I think sometimes it just has to come in time. I don't want to categorize days as depressed or happy, it seems too quick of a judgement for me.
I feel like the leaves are falling.... I can feel that I give off a different energy with people now...and I know it's a little bit colder. It sounds terrible, perhaps mean, but it's real. It's me--for now. The one thing I've never been able to do, is bullshit people with a fake saccrine-gum drop persona. I hope that honesty is still a virtue...
I hope yall are doing great. I'm sorry I haven't been a better presence in the space community. Much love! March 27 Superheroes and SupermindsDo you have a 'hero'? It sounds weird to think of having a hero as an adult-- it seems cute when kids admire people like that, but as an adult it just sounds out of place. I suppose it's still 'cute' when some people say their mom or dad or someone like that. Today someone I know said that the people we watch who invoke that sense of awe, the thoughts that say 'i wish i had that', are the people who inspire us. I'd say that is often true. I wonder if that is the grown up version of a hero-- someone who inspires us to go after something that we wouldn't have pursued without them.
I work with a lot of intelligent people. These are people who can talk to nobel prize laureates as equals and I think that can be an insane thing to think about. But I know that they sacrafice in other areas of their lives to do what they do. And I observe them, the variants of people from the socially inept to disabled, and I really wonder if at some point the brainy of the brainy have to sacrifice something of the heart. Not all, but many of them put everything that most people who put on the 'meaningful' on the 2nd shelf-- love, friendship, art, anything that has to do with enjoying life outside of work. But then again, if they've found what they love, then maybe they have it pretty good. Still, I admire these people for their discipline and intellect, but I can't imagine calling one of them my 'hero' in the inspiration sense. For me, I have to be able to see something vibrant, something that rings true in their heart and mine, that I can admire beyond their talents or abilities. I don't know what that means, but if I find myself inspired by such 'heroes' throughout my life, I think I'll count myself as lucky. March 19 The SparrowThank you for your well wishes on my root canal recovery...It seems have been an unlucky reaction to the back to back procedures. Tommorrow will hopefully be a good day. Why? Because the dentist office will be open and they can get me better drugs. Sweet.
Back in high school I had this English teacher who was annoying, but very passionate about literature. He once told us this about a short story about a sparrow and I remember that everyone was really moved by it. On the last day of class, he gave each of us a copy of this story, with a note that said "May you find the love of the sparrow". Ever since then, I've thought about this sparrow story and even though I haven't read it in years, it stuck with me. I never really thought about why it stood out as memorable...until recently. Maybe you can tell me what you think: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As he wept in the garden, a small sparrow saw him. The sparrow was so moved by the young man's passion and thought how terrible it was that this man could not have his true love. He saw his sadness and thought, "I must help him". So he flew to the bush of white roses and plunged his chest into one of the thorns, using his tiny wings to push further and further into the sharp thorn until his blood covered a one of the white roses, turning it perfectly red. The young man was so delighted to see that one red rose had appeared, he didn't notice the lifeless body of the sparrow. He was so thrilled to find it, he plucked it from the bush and hurried to approach the girl, ready to win her heart. She took the rose and looked at it for a moment, dropped it on the ground, and walked away. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wish I could find my copy of the original short story. It's so much better than my paraphrase. The story gets to me though. The thing is, it seems like it should just be tagged as depressing, but I think it's deeper than that. To me, it tells of the beauty of love in spite of the the tragedy of someone throwing it away--not seeing it's worth. I guess I see hope in that, despite the obvious sadness. Hope that-- like the story, there is beauty in love no matter how it is received...and perhaps that is enough.
March 15 Not a real pick me up...The past two days my life has revolved around the dentist office. Once my face regains consciousness and the stroke victim numbness goes away, I realized that the numbness was better. I don't really know why, but my jaw freaks out whenever I get those novocaine shots. Swells up and I feel like I need to hospitalized with a 'happy tap'. Neither of my parents have this problem, go figure. Anyways, root canals hurt like a mother and I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for the second half of the fixings. Makes me want to 'sell out' and work for the man. I need y'all to help me brainstorm on 300 ways to make top ramen cause that's what i'll be living on for the rest of the year. Peace out. March 14 3 Bears and a Bowl of PorridgeMan, MSN spaces kills me sometimes. It can take twice as long to get a successful login as to update. Plus, it keeps rejecting the comments I try to sumbit on y'alls spaces.
Oh yeah, and re: a comment from my last post, the studies I cited about babies gazing at symmetric faces etc obviously had to place these subjects within a foot or so of their faces because of the near sightedness of infants. Babies can 'stare' within close ranges at certain stages of their development, the question is whether they gaze because they like what they are staring at, or because it is easier to fixate on (or another factor).
I don't have much to say...except that girl scouts need to chill out. I swear I've been attacked by those cookie peddlers everywhere I go. I've eaten waaay too many thin mints.
I was driving today and I passed by one of those stations that are along paths and in a lot of parks where they those things made of wood and signs that show you what kind of exercises you can use it for. Sometimes they are a pull up bar and sometimes it's nothing more than a stump that you are supposed to stretch on. Then I thought about how my friend showed me pictures of a similar thing she saw in Europe. In all of my 20+ years I have never once seen a person using one of these stretch/exercise stations. And every one of these things looks to be in the same condition. I wonder if there was some kind of international trend of 'lets put up exercise stations' before I was born.
I share an office with a coworker who makes it a point to work out several times a week. (I would never imagine him working one of those exercise stations, but I digress...) Truth be told, it ain't helping. The proper response is 'good for him for making an effort'. I realize this. But I feel like so many people want others to reassure them that they are doing the right thing by going to the gym, yet the hypocrisy of downing the greasy junk of our everyday lives is just ridiculous. I think the status quo in American society is eating bad and 'working' off about 1% of it in the gym. I don't have any answers, but it seems strange to me.
I would bet that there are neuromodulators that cause some people to respond differently to physical activity. I know some people who thrive on the strain of challenging the body, while others seem to buckle under the slightest of pressures. I guess that sounds pretty similar to any kind of challenge we face in life. Some people can't handle much adversity at all, most people want something middle of the road--not too hard, not too easy, but a few go after what seems the most difficult in hope of conquering something exceptional, and it seems that they find a way to enjoy the strain involved with the process. Whatever did happen to Goldielocks? She was looking for the porridge and the bed that was 'just right'. Did she find what she was looking for?
March 08 Whatcha lookin at?The other day I had fallen into a major afternoon energy slump. I felt
like I needed some caffeine if I was to get through the next 8 hrs I
had left in the day so I raced into the Starbucks nearby. While I'm
there, this paramedic was ordering at the cash register and some guy,
around 18 yrs old or so, was standing a few feet away from him, mouth
gaping open and staring at him like he was on fire. I was first
perplexed as to whether he was in line, but it became more and more
disturbing to watch him stare at the paramedic. When the paramedic was
done ordering and went to get the milk/sugar he followed him like he
was getting away and continued to stare. I knew this guy had to have
some kind of condition, but it was horrifying to watch. Man. If I was being stared at in that manner I would run away or something. Isn't it strange that staring is harmless yet can induce such an uncomfortable reaction? I wonder why that is. Do we assume others are judging or criticizing when they stare? Then again, staring in the sense of gazing is a sign of attraction and a positive reaction. People report that babies 'like' to gaze at faces that are more symmetrical and thus more 'beautiful'. The assumption that they like it is unfounded, but it seems to be something along the lines of enjoyment. Staring is a something that seems to communicate strongly. It seems to make a statement towards the more extreme ends of like or dislike. I can't imagine staring at something because it is 'so mediocre'. Perhaps it's because our eyes can speak in a more honest way than other ways that we communicate. We can learn to control things we say to fit certain standards, but our eyes are quick to react. I'm not sure if this is interesting to anybody else, but I think it's peculiar. I'm definitely going to pay attention to people's eyes next time I want to know what they really think... March 05 The CrapshootI have a new song of the moment: Wash Away by Joe Purdy. Without a
doubt, it's worth the 99 cents for the download off of iTunes. At
first, it seemed like a mellow Jack Johnson-esque tune, the kind of
thing you might hear on a commercial for some island vacation. But as I
listened closer, I could hear that the words were a little bittersweet.
Yet the atmosphere that the song projects has a really pretty ambiance.
That is the texture of stories, music, and art that affect me most. I feel like a lot of happy people tell me that everything is good and that none of the things that bother me are real. That feels like the biggest slap in the face sometimes. But I can't deny that some people seem to find happiness with that kind of thinking--even if it seems like denial/putting on the blinders mentality to me. In my mind, bittersweet is still better. It has a depth and a strength that I don't see in the latter approach to life. Yeah, I know I'm speaking in generalities here, but I don't have the desire nor the words to elaborate into specifics. Sometimes I think we roll a die in terms of what we will be exposed to today-- what our coworkers might say to us flippantly, what car we'll accidently cut off, and what friends we may or may not run into. As much as I'd like to think that I can filter the bad out and listen to the good, it doesn't work like that in practice. In math, there are a lot of techniques that applied mathematicians and scientists use because they work. They can't yet prove that they are true. I feel like that's all we have sometimes-we use what seems to work, we can't prove a lot of things, but we stick by them. In the meantime, we keep on rolling our dice...either hoping for the faces we desire or trying to avoid losing the game. February 28 daydreamerLast year one of my teachers made us lie on the floor and try to visualize different muscles and concentrate on how our bodies were aligned. Yeah, I thought it was weird too. The name of this technique escapes me, but it is basically the idea of visualizing something in your body to cause a physical change. It sounds kind of neo-hippy, but I went along with it.
Recently, I read a neuroscience article about a study that talks about how when you watch something done, your brain makes connections as if you were the one physically doing the task. Crazy! It was just a starting point, but the neo hippies might have been onto something. Kind of a twist on the monkey see monkey do (or somewhat done).
The mind is really amazing. When we think about things, we create memories, even if they are mere daydreams or visualizations. I used to think a lot about my relationships, what I should be doing in life, what kind of person I should be... I don't think it was really a high point in my life when it became a lot of worry. I still worry at times and am certainly still trying to figure out what to do with my life in the near future, unfortunately there are pressures to make these decisions on the world's time table, but I don't think it consumes my mind the same way. I'm not even sure what I walk around thinking about all day... it's more in the moment though. Anyways, I don't have much of a point here, except that maybe it is important to take time to daydream-- your mind may be literally taking a vacation to a place outside of what you can experience in 'reality'. February 27 What color are your lenses? I've been trying to be better at the blog thing and now I'm
getting more determined to step it up a notch...even if my blog has
been marked as 'non alive' in the minds of my favorites blog peeps, I
want to be updating more...so watch out! :) Anyhoo, there's a class I
really look forward every Monday. It's taught by my favorite favorite
dancer to watch. He's more amazing than any of those 'so you think you
can dance/idol/wannabe tv stars' you'll ever see. My jaw still drops at
times when he dances. Anyways, Chris got me thinking about that feeling of winning and that sense of elation about doing something well--feeling that you are good.
It makes my day when this teacher tells me I did something good-- his
compliments are given sparingly, so it comes off as if he really means
it. I was far from getting one of these compliments today...quite far. Oh well, you can't feel special all the time I guess. But it made me think about my students--I've been coaching adults in gymnastics and I noticed that they look to me for a similar type of affirmation. I don't inspire the same kind of awe as my favorite teacher, but I can see confidence and happiness all over a student's face if they are convinced that they captured something good. The thing is, half of the time, these moments are not because of what I articulated. Instead, it's about their perception and being able to 'see' my compliment. I may have lost everyone, (if anyone's), interest, but I think this is analogous to how we relate to people. We see what we are able to see and receive the affirmations that we are capable of confirming within ourselves. Sometimes it's so hard to convince myself that I have 'good' ability, but I think I see that it is colored by how I receive the things coming in. February 23 no topic in particularWhat's your favorite weekend indulgence? For me, the weekend isn't
really the 'free time' it used to be, since my workload usually
continues into the weekend, but one of my favorite things lately has
been getting to dance/go to the gym, having sushi with friends,
and going to see shows. Yeah, I realize that sounds very
bourgeous. The thing that has been fascinating me about dance, the
artful kind, is the combination of discipline/physical accuracy with
expression/freedom. I heard this NBC news headline about a study that
found that dancers tend to have a genetic variant related to two
neurotransmitters, vassopressin and serotonin, which are related to
social communication and 'spiritual' experiences. I've had the chance
to rub elbows with a lot of dancers and I doubt that most of them would
describe themselves as spiritual, but I think they could describe their
experiences as coming from a type of meditative place within
themselves. This place of letting go. I have a hypothesis that such a
place is where people find creativity. Well, anyhow, I thought it was interesting. I'm curious though, is there anything that you do that brings you to a place of totally 'letting go' inside? February 16 The Barnes and Noble of My MindSomeone once told me that the things we surround ourselves with, especially music, reflect the state of being we're in. I think that's pretty true. For a long time I found myself only wanting to listen to music that made me feel upbeat, a lot of times it was music that made me want to dance. Recently, I've been unintentionally drawn to more subdued songs as well. It may very well be completely meaningless phase, but I do find myself questioning whether I'm really pursuing the things that I want. My friend Sarah, her dad tells her, "you can only read a book one page at a time". (She says this in her 'dad' voice.) How true. Yet sometimes I wonder if I'm even in the right genre :)
A word from one of my favorite San Diegans, Jason Mraz (well not technically his words, but lets go along with it.)
"What's so amazing that it keeps us star gazing and what do they think we might see,
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers...and me" Yeah I know I'm lameAgain it's taking me longer to get back into the habit of writing. I
guess I started feeling like I needed to write down something
interesting, if not interesting to anyone else but me, I wanted to
excited to be writing. Everyone who knows me in person knows that I'm
not one for frivilous talk barring a caffeine overdose or something
like that. I fell in love with a song today. It's "Rainbow Connection", not written by Jason Mraz, but beautifully performed by him. I have to admit I thought the name of the song sounded silly, but the song is great. It would be awesome to date someone with a voice like his :) I started following this blog about this 8 year old girl with cancer (http://christithomas.blogspot.com), which is not something I normally do. Typically, I don't seek out stories about the struggles of people I don't know because it just doesn't seem to fit...just seems like something that may be done with less than sincere motivations, I guess. Anyways, but I was compelled by her story, (The struggle is really intense right now for this kid.) not because of the nature of the disease, but by the love of her family. I was surprised at their sense of perspective and I have found myself really wanting something great to happen for them. And I wonder if many people pass through life barely detectable. Kind of heavy, I know. Another recent discovery: podcasts. I like the NPR story of the day and the official Lost podcast. For whatever reason I've grown a penchant for listening to the jibber jabber as I fall asleep. February 03 hellooooo!Hi! Well, it might take a while for me to catch up on all y'all's
blogs, but I guess the cliff notes to my past few months would be: -work work work -school -no more surfer guy...hopefully i'll stick to that -some good times, some minor frustrations -one epiphany The first two aren't very interesting right now so I'll skip them. The surfer guy has been on a long traveling the world kind of trip, but he comes back really soon. I know we're just friends commitment wise, but it's hard to enforce EVERYTHING that would really make it just that. I'm not talking HBO at night kind of stuff, for the most part, it's the little things that segway into feeling date like (and closer to HBO material). Anyways, the time apart has made me realize he's not what I want and it's been really easy being away from him. And cutting out social drinking can be good for trying to get into shape. So I've spent a little too much time at work. Didn't travel much. I only got as far as LA-ish. Filmed one commercial. I'll let you know if I get news on it airing, but that could be a long while. (It has to be sold first.) But I've had a lot of fun with the time I got to spend with my friends, especially the ones I haven't seen in a while. One friend just came back from a 2 year peace corp type of stint and it was just strange yet really fun to see him again.I got to communicate with him before he came back, even though I didn't do a great job of staying in touch, things were really good between us. There was no mystery of 'oh, what if he feels like i neglected to write etc etc'. It was just the good stuff. Sometimes I think that some of the biggest poisons to friendships or relationships are the discrepancies between expectations and the lack of communication about them. It sucks sometimes. We learn to talk around age 1. 20+ years later I still haven't mastered the art to a practical perfection. Weird, at times sad, but normal I guess. Dating wise I don't really care too much right now. No one has caught my eye, so I don't really care. My epiphany feels trivial when I talk about it, but I've never had the clarity about it before. I was putting in something like 18 hr days at the end of last year, which basically eliminated the rest of my life pursuits. I fear this will be boring to some folks, so you're free to tune out, but I realized something about following a dream. I look at some people who are just clearly at the top of their fields, whether it's as an athlete, student, buisnessman or whatever. And it seems almost like an effortless thing for them, not because it isn't many hours of hard work, but because it seems like the knowing that they have the talent or 'what it takes' to make just falls in their laps. I kind of wish I had that. To some extent, things falling into place is just the right timing. Other times, I think we have to see what it is we want and go for it. I've always doubted whether I had the talent to do...many things. I doubted whether I should puruse med school, professional dance, sales...it goes on. I find it hard because I never find myself looking at things I've accomplished and just seeing myself advance. It's all stuff that I have to work at. I don't know if that's something the non-virtuosos just have to do or what. Anyways, being away from dance for a time made me realize that it was more than a hobby. For me, it's this obsessive desire. I don't mean obsessive like I'm drawing ballerinas on the walls, but in the way that I feel like I can't live without it and I want to be successful in it so badly. I should probably end this long winded rant, so that was my epiphany. I don't want to look back and wish that I had really pursued the things I love. So here I go... January 27 Wow time flew by...I don't know if anyone checks considering how long it's been since my
last post, but if anyone stumbles across this I just wanted to say
hello and that I hope to be paying some long overdue visits and
hopefully catching up a bit on how y'all are doing. I'm flattered at
the comments I just now got to see, gosh, thanks for saying hi despite
my lameness in maintaining this space. Anyhoo, this weekend I am
setting my mind to changing that. Happy Friday! November 27 i'm still out there...I am so so sorry that I've been MIA the past few weeks...probably getting close to a month really. Things have been kind of insane, but I'm working through it for whatever it's worth. Unfortunately, it comes at a price. I've been MIA in the 'real world' too, so please forgive my neglect, as it's not selectively to the blog world. I'll be back, I promise,and more importantly hope to find out how all of you have been doing. So to Rey Rey, Christine, Dave, Kelsey, and everyone else who has been so kind to check up on me, thank you! I'll be in touch asap. In the meantime, I hope that things are on the up and up for all of you--I really do. November 10 kill me nowI'm in deep crap with the bureacracy of higher education. Yah, it sounds trivial... like some overzealous bookworm fretting about a 'minus' following one of many grades. Ah how I wish it were only that. I've done fairly well at a university ranked really quite high for academics, and here, at a new institution, I'm heading down the road of probation/expulsion. The details are boring, but the bottom line is that the people at the top find more reasons to say no than yes. I'm melting down faster than Dorthy can say, 'there's no place like..."
I don't know what to do when the consequences close the doors to the things you've been working your whole life towards. And I know it sounds overly dramatic, but I think drama is the reality when the stakes are high. Somebody kill me now cause I'm in way over my head. I've gone all in, in a game that I don't know how to win. |
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